Tube Announcements

ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE TUBE (no kidding, they're real):

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to
get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear
of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday
afternoon): 'Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers off the train first.
Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the
passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station
ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger
m*st*rb*ting on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has
activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first
or the bad news?" The good news is that last Friday
was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of
you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each
day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is
a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our
destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't
reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the
platform and go back to where we started. In the mean
time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man
in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start
you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"

Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome
- not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

Please mind the closing doors..."
The doors close...The doors reopen.
Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey
things on the side of the train are called the doors.
Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors."
The doors close...
Thank you."

I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter
has just wondered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't
know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend
to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

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